Last time, we discussed how much our lives have changed over the centuries and took a fun, but realistic, look at a day in the life of pioneer women in the 1800’s.  If you missed it, you may want to check it out here.  We’ve acquired many modern conveniences and long with them a sense of guilt that haunts us if we aren’t constantly on the job or flitting to or from one.

While we long for the simplicity that comes with our ancestors’ uncomplicated lifestyle, few of us would return to it once we considered the hardships that went hand-in-hand with that simplicity.

We came home the other day from a writers’ conference to discover that our central air conditioning had gone out.  It’s August.  Though we did receive a refreshing rain and the weather cooled down, fixing the A/C moved to the top of our priority list.  Another modern convenience, the weather app, tells us it will be 97 degrees this weekend.  No pioneering spirit here, folks!

My faith governs my life and my world-view.  I know that as a human being, I am designed for Garden of Eden living.  That means that I am not wired for stress.  Yet, due to the gift of free will, “stuff” happens.  Just living on this earth means we need a break.  We need restoration!  People are imperfect – doggonit – and they’re everywhere!  Situations, as science confirms, go from order to chaos – not the other way around.  I’m not going to notice, for instance, that although I haven’t mopped the floor in weeks, my floors just keep getting cleaner and shinier.  A farmer isn’t going to drive by his long-neglected field and discover that time has turned the tangled mass of weeds into neat rows of corn.  Again – doggonit!

So, with everything cascading into a mess all around us and folks misbehaving left and right, it’s no wonder we need restorative rest.

In my last post, I suggested that each time you feel guilty for being “so far behind”, that you grab the timer and see just how long your tasks really take to complete. Did you discover that they all take longer than the few minutes you’ve allotted them in your mind?

I feel it’s necessary to mention the fellas as we look at how life has changed.  Along with awareness that domestic chores have become much easier over the centuries, we must also acknowledge that men do help out more than ever before.  The first time I saw a daddy wearing a cuddle sack with his tiny infant snuggled against his chest, going about his business like it was an easy-breezy part of life, my heart melted.  I remember the day when such a thing would have been unheard of.

More and more men are involved with household chores and caring for their children’s basic needs without falling apart at the seams with a bad case of martyr syndrome because someone asked them for a little help.  It’s a change that’s been a long time coming and, I believe, has not come about by any natural evolutionary processes, guilty consciences or increased introspection and self-awareness on their part.  It took push and I’m proud of every woman who pushed.

My advice to all of you who are frustrated, stressed out and guilt-ridden was to fire yourself, re-hire yourself and give yourself a break!  Emily Post gave me some perspective on this and I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’ve immediately lumped Emily into the same domestic category as Martha Stewart, Mary Poppins and June Cleaver.  Believe it or not, I’ve had friends good-naturedly call me all those names over the years.  I’m one of those people who likes to make everything “special”.  Surprisingly, Emily helped to ease the strain because “special” takes time, effort and lots of clean-up.

I stumbled across an old volume of Emily Post’s “Etiquette” (1942, to be exact) at a yard sale, took it home and dove in.  After all, inquiring minds want to know if they’re doing everything wrong.  Right?  Smuffy looked over at me one evening as we both reclined in bed with our books and said, “I’d be willing to bet money that right now, in this entire town, there is not one other person curled up in bed reading a two-inch thick 1942 Emily Post book of etiquette.”  It probably would have been a safe bet.

What can I say?

I found it fascinating.  Emily will teach you how to do everything.  You’ll learn how to meet government officials (foreign and domestic), how to deal with your child’s clothing choices, how to set a perfect table, and write the proper invitations and other correspondence. Though you may not need the section on “Do’s and Don’ts for Debutantes”, you will learn how to teach your children not to be…well…mannerless, awkward clods.

The wonderful thing about it?  It all made sense.  She designs a world in which you make other people feel comfortable in any situation.

Hoity-toity, you say?  Only in spots.  Emily understands.  She had a name for those of us who don’t have minions at our beck and call or a stack of engraved invitations waiting for our RSVP.  She refers us as “Mrs. Three-in-One”.  She acknowledges that this means most of us.  Like it or not, most of us are cook, maid and hostess.

I fantasized my way through her chapter on “The Well-Appointed House”, giving myself a tongue-in-cheek reminder that I mustn’t forget “What the Butler Wears”.  When I came to the section on the “House Run by One Maid”, I gave it a little more attention due to the fact that my house has one maid and I am she.  That’s when I fired myself.  Or did I quit?  Anyhow, I knew it was time to start over with a new set of expectations.

I decided that, as Mrs. Three-in-One, I needed to re-hire the maid (me) using Emily’s job description.  I surrendered all guilt, knowing that it would be unreasonable to expect more of myself than I would of the hired help.

This maid’s work “must be adjusted not only to the needs of the particular family by whom she is employed, but also to her own capability”.  Understanding and flexibility are built into that statement.  I realized that when I can’t – I can’t.

Emily states that, allowing for sleeping and eating, the maid has a remaining fourteen hours left in her day, “out of which she must find the time for recreation as well as for work”.  Don’t be a tyrant, Mrs. Three-in-One!  Do a little recreating.

The maid’s hours for housework should run from ten to twelve hours a day, perhaps more on special occasions.  “From these hours there must, however be taken certain regular hours of time out.”  Regular hours of time out during her ten to twelve hour day!  Are you starting to think you’ve been a little hard on yourself?  Career women, you can’t do it all.  Stay-at-home moms, you might do it all, but you still need a cup of tea and time to put your feet up!

Then, Emily really starts speaking my language.  “Normally every maid has her specified afternoons and evenings out.”  Let me get my hat and coat!  She goes on to say that if household requirements are unusually hard or confining, compensate for this as best you can.  Women have used their creativity in dealing with this for centuries.  I imagine this is how quilting bees came about.

The next section in the book provided a “Working Schedule for a One-Maid House”.  I studied it, asking myself if I should expect any more of myself than I would of this woman I’d hired.  Hypothetically, she is in charge of a seven-room house which includes a living room, dining room, porch, kitchen, maid’s room and bath, three bedrooms and two baths.

I balked at the first item, which suggested that I wash and dress at 6:45 a.m.  OK, I’m open to it.

The second item felt more like my usual routine, which is to be downstairs by 7:00 a.m. to put the kettle on, start cereal and set the breakfast table.  I’ve seen my mother “start cereal”.  It involved the stove, a pan and such.  For me, starting cereal consists of putting the box on the counter and parking a gallon of milk next to it.  The “breakfast table”?  My family has never known the table to be in any way connected with breakfast and I’m not letting the cat out of the bag at this stage of the game.

At 7:30 a.m., the maid is to cook breakfast, then eat her own breakfast.  I’m just fine with the second half of that.  Cooking breakfast is a term reserved for Saturdays only when, and if, all parties and circumstances are aligned and in agreement.

The family is to be served breakfast at 8:00 a.m.  I can’t remember the last time this happened, but there may have been a high chair involved.  Everyone around here is capable.  That gives this maid a little more time to linger over her own breakfast and cup of tea.

At 8:30 a.m., the job description calls for the maid to clear the table, wash the dishes, pick up the living room, sweep the dining room, kitchen and halls.  The mistress (also me) is to plan meals for the day and “order marketing”.  There is an hour and a half allotted for this.  I’d have no problem with this if I had gotten washed and dressed at 6:45 as directed, but…

Heading upstairs at 10:00, the maid makes beds, cleans bathrooms, sweeps, dusts and empties wastebaskets.  Apparently this does not include the bedrooms.  (See daily schedule below.)

Special work for the day is done at 11:00 and takes and hour and a half.  One room from the list below is cleaned thoroughly.  If it doesn’t take that long, the maid is to do whatever else needs to be done such as polish silver, make a cake or dessert or dinner or prepare vegetables.  I can see a lot of us dispensing with that first item., though I do pull out all the stops when I’m feeling “fancy”.

At 12:30, Luncheon is prepared and the table is set so that lunch can be served at 1:00.  This sounds like a real time crunch for someone as slow as my maid, if you get my drift.

I’m sure Emily is counting on luncheon being a very simple meal and these people saving their appetites for a more elaborate evening meal, for she suggests clearing the table at 1:30 and washing the dishes, I suppose whether they have finished eating or not.

After this, the maid has free time until 3:00 p.m.  Yes, indeed, plum spang in the middle of the day, there she is, doing nothing.  Well, it does suggest that she rest, bathe and change her dress.

Back on duty at 3:00, apparently all she does is hang around the kitchen as she is “on duty” there and be ready to answer the door.  I don’t know who answered up until now.  Perhaps there is a section on how it is rude to go visiting before 3:00 p.m.?

At 5:00 p.m., she rolls up her sleeves and prepares meat, vegetables, etc., for dinner.  Of course, she sets a nice table.

Now, with the prep work done, the maid is ready to cook, which she does at 5:30.

At 6:30 p.m., dinner is served.

Apparently, this family doesn’t linger long, for at 7:00, she is washing dishes, putting the dining room and kitchen in order for the night.

By 8:00, this maid is finished.  Nothing more to be done.  Her plans for the evening “will be adapted to the household needs.”  This is where it gets scary, don’t you think?

I’m sure you’re still wondering about that “Special Work for the Day” that occurs at 11:00 a.m.  Here it is:
Monday – Clean the three bedrooms.
Tuesday – Clean dining room and polish silver.
Wednesday – Clean sun porch and do extra baking.
Thursday – Clean kitchen and maid’s room.
Friday – Clean living room.
Saturday – Polish brass, silver, furniture, etc.  Bake cake for Sunday.

I don’t know about you, but this cleaning schedule doesn’t sound half bad. Clean the bedrooms – no problem.  Not many of us are polishing silver anymore, so cleaning the dining room or area shouldn’t be overwhelming.  Having a sun porch to clean is on my bucket list!  With clean eating going on, the only extra baking involves some sourdough bread or maybe a lasagna to freeze.  There is no maid’s room to clean, so I’m off the hook there.  The living room always needs a going over.  That leaves Saturdays to do something more interesting (unless I do decide to clean the furniture) because I rarely polish brash and I don’t bake cakes for Sunday.

Now let’s all pause and breathe!  Are you like me?  When I studied this job description, all I could think was, “I’m not sure I could do all this even if I got paid for it!”  Yet, I saw that this maid got time off in the middle of the day, plus specified afternoons and evenings out.  I’d been expecting myself to get all these things done and more.

I needed to be at Smuffy’s beck and call because his constant immersion in some project (or body of water). I needed to be sure my mom got to the store and to her appointments and got out and had a little fun.  Nowhere on the list of maid’s duties did I find any mention of children and their schoolwork, scraped knees or need to play.  Laundry didn’t seem to enter into this maid’s duties at all!  I didn’t see any time allotted for being a good neighbor, volunteering at church, helping with community projects or taking the cat to the vet.  I love making handmade gifts.  Where’s the time for that?  I’ve written three novels and have a blog to keep up with!  All this and we, as women, are supposed make time to exercise and keep fit as well?

If I added all these things to the paid maid’s schedule, I wouldn’t even get to sleep!  It’s tempting to give up.

Emily Post has set me free!  I now know that I can’t do it all.  I have to pick from the list and put things off until I can get around to them.  You’ll have to do that, too, if you don’t want to lose your marbles, drain your body of cortisol and put your family through the ordeal of living with someone who is on stress overload.  It’s true what they say, “If mama ain’t happy…”

We thrive when we live a balanced life.  Honey, fire yourself!  Re-hire yourself and give yourself a break!  Let’s all make peace with the fact that we are Mrs. Three-in-One.  That lady needs love, understanding and a nap!

Emily Post is not a thing of the past.  She’s still got us covered.  She answers all your questions about navigating life in today’s world with the lost arts – consideration, respect, honesty and etiquette at emilypost.com

If you’d like an “oldie” like mine and don’t want to cruise yard sales waiting for one, you might try Amazon here.

Need a gratitude adjustment, click here.  Find 50 ways to make next year a better one here.